S2E10 - Thanksgivingish

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!!! We were just cracking up about all the chaotic, kinda twisted stuff that goes wrong on Thanksgiving—like epic turkey disasters, dogs stealing the feast, and those “wait, did we just poison Grandma?” moments. It’s that perfect mix of dark humor and holiday nightmares, with us riffing back and forth on the dumbest possible scenarios and why timing is everything when you’re trying to land the joke without killing the vibe.

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Transcript

Speaker 3 (00:00.046)
I keep trying to convince my family to smoke the turkey.

Probably wouldn't grind well,

Well, other drive bys that day, Mike, they can't smoke all the turkeys.

hard to roll

Speaker 1 (00:15.436)
Be hard to roll a turkey and smoke it.

I just got that.

Smoke that jive turkey.

Smoke it! we gotta freak the turkey. It's packed too tight.

Speaker 1 (00:34.286)
you

Speaker 3 (00:38.688)
That's

Speaker 3 (00:44.558)
I saw the Jeremy Italian mama senior. Hey, how doing? Good. I went. I went I went from from, you know, Pope to Brooklyn in a heartbeat.

you doing?

Speaker 1 (01:00.554)
It's hard to fuck up an Italian sub. Really.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, hang on, no, it is.

Hold on, hold on, hold on. Hear me out.

It's hard to fuck it up. It can still be, it's all right, but it's an Italian sub.

You can't be like, no, this isn't Italian. You really want to fuck it up? You throw chicken on it? This isn't exactly so it's hard to fuck it up. There's phenomenal high grade Italian. Seven point.

Speaker 3 (01:24.654)
that it's not in Italian.

Speaker 3 (01:31.51)
In that... In that... It's easy to fuck it up.

Well, talk about fucking up foods. The holiday is coming up. Thanksgiving. How many fucked up dishes has someone brought to your house?

We have very high standards at my family's house, so... Yeah. Now there's things I do not eat that... still... Hey!

Greed.

Yeah, so everything.

Speaker 1 (02:01.87)
That's why she didn't call you back.

Do do do, tch.

Now, there's things I won't eat for Thanksgiving. By the way, welcome back to the Stealth Brave podcast. It's Thanksgiving. Happy Thanksgiving, everybody. Happy Black Friday. Happy Cyber Monday.

Happy Thanksgiving, y'all.

Speaker 1 (02:24.759)
I'm eating a sandwich.

A stale bread sandwich, I bet.

You

man. No, one dish that my dad loves that I just don't eat is peas, beans, and cheddar cheese. know, my mom... Peas? Yeah. Yep. It's a casserole. And... What? Yeah, like I don't... I love peas. I love beans, green beans.

What?

Speaker 1 (02:54.318)
It's a piece of shit!

Speaker 3 (03:02.231)
And yeah, I guess I should have said green beans to be clear.

That's almost up the level of white of putting the crumbly bits on macaroni and cheese.

still.

Speaker 3 (03:13.58)
Yeah, like, I'm not. I'm not. I don't like the dish and I don't eat it, but the rest of my family loves it.

Y'all some white motherfuckers.

Yeah, we are.

You mix some beans and peas? What else you mixing over there?

Yeah. Mom will make Thanksgiving. She does the. Brussels sprouts, maybe that's Christmas, but she does like the have you ever been to Cooper's Hawk and had the the Brussels sprouts and olive oil and no balsamic. it's so good.

Speaker 2 (03:39.15)
Speaker 2 (03:54.67)
Only way I eat them is if they are cooked in bacon grease with bacon.

That's essentially what BOMB does. They're so good. They're so good.

Other than that, I'm not a fan. Not a fan at all.

Well, for years, thought Brussels sprouts were like, you know, the devil's own and.

Well, it's

Speaker 1 (04:16.876)
Devil's balls.

Is your whole meal kosher or?

Definitely not.

Speaker 3 (04:29.582)
No, we do traditional turkey.

Have you ever had a turducken?

I have not had a turducken. do really like fried turkey though.

I've never had Turducken, but I want Turducken. But I want to make it.

I've had a turkey and a chicken, a turkin.

Speaker 1 (04:52.872)
That sounds like so much work for someone who only has one oven. Sounds like rich people's shit. Yeah. We got five ovens. What are we gonna do? Put the turkey, the duck, the chicken, and... Yeah, gotta... For our Haitian fans.

the dog.

Speaker 2 (05:08.302)
You

We do it.

Oh, I think that's for people who love stuffing stuff like Uncle Jerry. He's just like, I'm going to put everything inside of something else. I'm going to stuff it all.

Can you imagine it's your first Haitian Thanksgiving and you go to pop the dog in the oven, you cook the whole thing and forget to take the collar off and it bleeds into the meats and.

man. Wow. That's terrible.

Speaker 3 (05:38.488)
That's low. We've switched to a new low.

This year's pets is next year's meal.

Not yet. It comes apocalypse time. But I'll eat everyone else before I my own. You'll eat ass?

Been there.

Speaker 1 (05:57.422)
Before you eat what?

I said I will eat everyone else's pets before everyone else's ass.

went out

I did not hear your ass at all.

I heard ass and I'm going to edit it so that you hear ass.

Speaker 1 (06:18.248)
As the T's.

Hang on, let's pause and get a good ass out of Keller so that you can insert it. One, two, three.

Why are you gay?

This cat just opened the door and ran in. Hold on.

He doesn't want to get eaten.

Speaker 2 (06:38.572)
Hold on. He's going to go eat that cat's ass. Pause one minute,

Happy Thanksgiving everybody.

What the fuck?

Did you give a good ass? Cause I really am going to make a clip.

No, you still are, gave one, that was good.

Speaker 2 (06:59.19)
Yeah, sure. Put your racist magic on it.

But,

Speaker 1 (07:06.055)
You supply me the product, I just polish it.

Well, going going back to Thanksgiving and not eating our pets. Well, what what else do you guys look

Unless it's a pet pig, you can eat that.

I nap. I nap a lot.

It's the friends that keeps on giving.

Speaker 1 (07:30.766)
that fuckin' post-turkey couch nap.

Most people are watching football. Yep. Eating copious amounts of food until you feel almost sick, but just on the borderline of throwing up, but not throwing up.

My sister

On that note, Mike, we got any games this year? What's going on?

On Thanksgiving this year? Shoot, man. There's always a couple games on Thanksgiving. They got a... It used to be the Lions were the early game, Detroit Lions, and then Dallas Cowboys were the late game. Well, now they've introduced the night game into Thanksgiving night. So...

Speaker 1 (07:54.216)
FOODS

Speaker 3 (08:20.206)
You're gonna have to edit.

The Night Game. Gladys Knights.

No, I'll condense it.

Gladys Knight's games. All right, so for the 2025.

Yeah.

Speaker 3 (08:36.598)
November 27 Thanksgiving Day football we've got who Green Bay Packers versus Detroit Lions. That's a NFC North showdown. Do it that should actually be a good game.

green bean pepsi.

Speaker 2 (08:51.822)
That's Paul's team. My wife's uncle. Nice. Bay fudge packers.

then we got it.

He's just gonna say he looks like a Packer fan.

Then we got the Taylor Swift versus the Dallas Cowboys at 430.

The Taylor Swift's. My homies.

Speaker 3 (09:07.746)
Yep.

Speaker 3 (09:11.778)
Mahomes, the Kansas City Chiefs versus Dallas at 430.

That's gotta suck. Do they feast after the games?

I would think so.

I would hope so. You can't, you got a good big game to play. can't, can't be tired and grog down.

Well, they probably do like you and just bring an Italian sub on the field and eat it while they're on their

Speaker 3 (09:35.074)
John Madden used to bring that turducken down, you know, after the game, John.

He struck me as a motherfucker that had five ovens.

Yeah, so John John Madden if it nobody knows was a former coach in the NFL won a Super Bowl with the Raiders and then was really famous for broadcasting NFL games with

And then...

Was that the only Super Bowl, the Raiders one?

Speaker 3 (10:06.574)
I don't think so. think they've won multiple.

Well, John Madden later went into video game production where he by himself engineered and started the Madden line of games.

That's not true. That's not true. They used his name.

He has a little bit behind it actually though.

No, absolutely. I would just be a piece of shit, as usual.

Speaker 3 (10:31.566)
The now Las Vegas Raiders, formerly Oakland Raiders, formerly LA Raiders, have won three Super Bowls, 1977, 1981, and 1984. So it's been a while. Yeah, it's been a while. Yes.

So

board. Back then they wore Knights armor to play football on.

Yes, sure did. People died.

Yep, there was chariots.

Speaker 2 (11:02.84)
Chariots were just there to hand them their Italian subs.

You

Must suck to be British. Can't Thanksgiving. If you did, it'd be fucking beans and toast.

or green beans and peas.

Yeah

Speaker 3 (11:23.123)
Hey, don't make fun of my mom now.

That's her. She's a saint. We're talking about the

and then we'll get into it.

British.

peas and beans and cheese

Speaker 3 (11:35.682)
Mobile.

So what's your favorite dish of the holiday or favorite dishes?

I don't like doing the dishes on Thanksgiving.

Mashed potatoes, man.

Well, mashed potatoes, of course. Yeah. Macaroni cheese. That's the two.

Speaker 3 (11:55.598)
I'm a sides guy. I'm sides guy. I'm not, I'm... Yeah, I that side dish.

Mike wants that side piece.

Give me that turkey leg, spread that turkey leg, sticky macaroni in it. Spit on it.

Yeah.

Watch me pull my gravy.

Speaker 1 (12:13.934)
You slap the turkey before you cook it. Just give it a nice little... yeah, you bit... Smack that turkey's ass. It's probably its tit. I don't know.

slap your

I get teet.

Tete. Turkey Tete.

I keep trying to convince my family to smoke the turkey.

Speaker 1 (12:35.47)
Probably wouldn't grind well, man.

Other drive-bys that day, Mike, they can't smoke all the turkeys.

You're the role

Speaker 1 (12:45.922)
Be hard to roll a turkey and smoke it.

I just got that.

Smoke that jive turkey.

Smoke it. we gotta freak the turkey. It's packed too tight.

I don't know why just did that.

Speaker 1 (13:02.946)
Mmm.

I don't know. Maybe just just might the turkey that I've had over the last 10, 15, 20 years just hasn't been up to my.

Your high standards. Yeah. I'm with you though. I love a fried turkey, but I can't make one in these fucking apartments.

I'm all about the ham, personally. I'm not a huge turkey fan. I'll eat it, but... Honey ham, or brown sugar maple ham, or where the fuck?

Speaker 3 (13:40.748)
Yeah, good spiral. Smiralt cut ham. Hell yeah.

I think my favorite dish is the one I make the entire following week where I just mix whatever we have left together in a frying pan. Fry the shit out of it and eat it.

frying pan? Yeah. it all in a frying pan?

Yeah, stuffing, turkey, green beans, no cheese. Just fry it all up.

Do you not have a microwave where you can just reheat it and eat it?

Speaker 1 (14:08.142)
Come on, Come on. It's one pan. You dump everything in it. It's not that difficult.

Come on.

Speaker 3 (14:16.728)
garbage pad.

It's worth it for the taste. It's more You need to do it.

I've never done this.

It actually does come out pretty good.

Put a little bit of butter in the pan so that your arteries thank you.

Speaker 3 (14:28.974)
My family calls it, they call it open-faced sandwiches where you put everything in the pan and you just kind of stack it all on the bread and then eat it. You don't eat it as a sandwich, you eat it as like a pork.

I can do like a turkey stuffing cranberry sandwich. I could do something like that

I'm not a cranberry, you know, cranberry person.

Pencils cranberry. I like actual that fake shit.

the- Yep, my sister's here too. Like,

Speaker 2 (15:07.242)
If somebody tries to make some real shit, I'm like, no. This is terrible.

Yeah, my grandma has a cranberry relish recipe and my sister's like, nope, give us the fake stuff.

Give me that yellow cylinder.

Speaker 2 (15:21.582)
Yeah.

Why'd you put all this love into this?

Yeah, you spent three hours on this?

I want to taste production.

I need all them extra vitamins that they put in there.

Speaker 1 (15:36.856)
Yeah man, the flavor of the aluminum can.

my growth hormone cranberries.

Help these berries grow.

Hmm.

of berries you're growing over there.

Speaker 2 (15:54.92)
There is a new-

My name used to be Mary. I got oceans. Cranberries.

But now it's Barry.

Speaker 1 (16:08.974)
sprayed.

Speaker 1 (16:15.608)
Fun fact, actually does help sperm production. Yeah, no, I totally made that up.

Cranberry? Really?

I about to say you should never eat cranberries good.

You

It ain't gonna do shit!

Speaker 2 (16:32.654)
Stop reproducing Jeremy!

I the same amount of kids as you.

Yes, but we stopped. We were done.

I'm permanently done. See episode two of season one.

Yeah, I forgot about

Speaker 3 (16:52.844)
Yeah.

Yeah, man. This chocolate don't come with nuts. I realized what I just said. I totally have nuts. They're still there. They're just worthless.

like the turkey neck.

Speaker 3 (17:08.973)
What y'all's feelings on traveling during Thanksgiving, you know, getting a go ahead with those policies and stuff.

I'd rather not, then again, it's like, do I deal with traffic or do I host and clean up?

Yeah.

Well, it's all a matter of distance and time for me, so...

Alright Einstein.

Speaker 3 (17:31.927)
Space Continuum.

Yes. There's the relativity of the space and time in between.

I yeah.

Speaker 1 (17:41.464)
No, so I got something for that. it's. Hang on, let me work it.

and anything you just said.

Speaker 3 (17:50.486)
reverse it.

E, is it worth it? Is equal to the distance and the time squared to your relatives.

like it.

the theory of relative turkey.

relative to relative.

Speaker 1 (18:06.872)
Ha ha ha!

Speaker 2 (18:12.878)
Like most things, for some breasts.

such

Speaker 2 (18:20.078)
But about 30 minutes.

very post-apocalyptic.

Why are we plugging this show so much?

We were putting our own show, like...

We couldn't say it on there either.

Speaker 3 (18:34.744)
We should.

no, promoting. Promoting the show. I had a whole talk with a coworker the other day about our show and never told him the name of it. I just left.

Wow. The first words out of your mouth should be the stale bread podcast.

Yeah, it was not. And then later, I sent the text later.

set up the link, set up celebrate podcast.com.

Speaker 1 (19:03.885)
I know.

Speaker 2 (19:07.724)
Ladies.

gentlemen.

Pay attention to what we just said. We suck at promoting our own show. If you like it, hey, help a motherfucker out. Yeah.

Unless it's the apocalypse episode, we definitely promote that every.

Yes, but only if you listen to this one, which we may or may not promote.

Speaker 2 (19:29.55)
Yeah.

At least not to Einstein's family.

Speaker 2 (19:38.584)
When you think about people like Einstein, like, is it weird like thinking that they were, or it wasn't that long ago that they like lived in our generation?

You mean they didn't live a well-groomed

Not our generation, but...

Yeah, they were all shooing. It's like Pablo Picasso living in the same time as my parents.

Well, Abraham Lincoln was alive the same time as Samurais. Yeah.

Speaker 2 (20:12.142)
I didn't even know that was true.

Yeah, man, that's a real thing.

George Washington didn't know that dinosaurs existed?

Samurai could have made a phone call to Abraham Lincoln.

Why you dishonor my family?

Speaker 1 (20:26.862)
I call you back a shitting!

Speaker 3 (20:33.814)
Shit! Why your hats so tall?

Hahaha

Why you build so long?

Why you dig so long? What? I've a impedance far superior.

my god. What the fuck?

Speaker 2 (20:57.272)
Well, happy Thanksgiving!

Speaking of Thanksgiving, you guys heard about the new data on this comet slash UFO rolled around.

It's an alien.

Yeah. Yeah. They want to stick out.

A1

Speaker 1 (21:20.926)
I was going to say the steak sauce comment.

other show that we did.

Well, we got a.

Well, this one's actually relevant to the time and not filmed out of order, which you guys in the audience don't know that. This is our most time relevant episode. We shot this in November. Guess the day.

Until now!

Speaker 3 (21:49.134)
Happy Thanksgiving,

Thanksgiving.

Speaker 2 (21:54.326)
Yeah. Well, no, we did Halloween around Halloween.

Yeah, in September.

Yeah

No, just kidding. We did it the day before Halloween.

Yes, Jimmy wore an outfit.

Speaker 1 (22:14.668)
I did, I was a spice girl.

No.

Nice tits.

I was the white-

Relativities.

Speaker 1 (22:24.618)
I like Tim Robbins. I can't breathe in this thing. I can't fucking see shit. We did too much. It's too much.

I guess off the rails.

Have you seen that clip though? No. I'll send it to you. It's funny as fuck.

So what are y'all's plans for Thanksgiving this year?

Going to Mom and Dad's.

Speaker 1 (23:00.45)
That's that's probably what we'll do. We'll go to a mom and dad's house. Just some random. No, we don't know these people. We're just going to show up. I think we'll try that. Our car broke down and we were on the way to Thanksgiving dinners. Any way we can join you? Get the fuck out of my house.

you

Better not be a samurai's house. No, you are not the vented!

Let's guess the race of the guy's house he showed up at just by Jeremy's accent. Mike, you go first.

What you doing here?

Speaker 1 (23:43.032)
You're welcome.

Welcome to Thanksgiving dinner.

Latino.

No, that is a samurai taking a shit and you walked in on

my.

Speaker 2 (24:01.802)
All right.

I'm with Mike. I don't know what I'm going to do. I might go to parents house. Like Mike. Not to his parents house. My house. Peas and green beans and cheese. Because you're far. What is it? Like 657 miles away or something.

Fuck

Speaker 2 (24:25.966)
kilometers.

you

Or.

That's more like 900.

900 kilometers.

Speaker 3 (24:36.462)
Something like that.

Is Thanksgiving just a time where you guys get together with family and eat? Or do you actually focus on the message of Thanksgiving?

Yep.

Speaker 2 (24:51.096)
Yeah, we tell everybody, fuck you. Then we eat.

My sisters and I will naturally start quoting Billy Madison, Happy Gilmore, all of Thanksgiving more than likely. yeah, a couple of... going will come out.

What are you doing?

yeah, we actually do get together. We scalp each other, steal each other's land, and then we eat each other's food.

Run off, fuck some Indian woman.

Speaker 2 (25:25.134)
The real the real Thanksgiving, we like to keep it original as possible.

These blinkets are warps.

Speaker 1 (25:37.582)
pox in the blankets man that's fucked up I'm so cold but now I'm gonna die

Speaker 3 (25:47.022)
I've back back to what we're actually talking about. I've always felt felt. I don't know. I don't want to say out of place, but you know my whole family's for for the majority of my life lived up north in New Jersey and Connecticut. So all of our. Thanksgiving's Christmases, New Year's, everything have been. But on our set by ourselves for the most part.

never, never really got to have the big family. How holidays? Wants to do one really sticks out though in 1994. grandparents came came up from Tampa and they moved. They moved to Tampa from Jersey when they were they retired and my aunt and uncle came down from New Jersey. We had a you know.

Big, I say big. know, that's the biggest Christmas we ever had to get together. But I've never had all my aunts, uncles, cousins, everybody together for the holidays. It's kind of, kind of sucks.

We used to, and I mean a long time ago before my family originally left Orlando, we would have, we'd go to my uncle's typically because he lived across the street from his in-laws. So we'd set up tables at either one of their yards and it'd be cousins and uncles and aunts and, sister nephews and all kinds of shit just showing up. Yeah, we're related. I've never fucking seen you before. okay. but.

they were related. And we'd all hang out and listen to music and eat food and eat more food and then everyone be too tired to drive home. Good times.

Speaker 2 (27:46.754)
Yeah, same like when I was younger, that went pretty much when my grandparents were alive, everybody would go to their house. We'd have like tables set up in the in the garage where just massive amounts of food where everybody walk around, get whatever they want. So then you'd have the cousins that you don't know there. And then you all end up eating, then going outside, passing football or playing or doing whatever.

Watching a movie something like that it was it was nice. It was nice

sneak off with the cousins that you didn't know. I remember you telling me about that. Sneak off in the bushes.

Yeah.

yeah, and then raw dog it.

Speaker 1 (28:34.766)
Hey, if you don't know them, are they even family? I remember that story you told me when you fucked your cousin.

You're getting at Jeremy? Yeah.

Speaker 2 (28:42.462)
None of this is true.

I thought you were about taking the dog into the bush and killing it for dinner.

pick me up a woman at a family reunion.

You

Sounds like the opening of a Jeff Fogs worthy joke.

Speaker 1 (28:56.671)
Pussy pussy

Speaker 2 (29:01.602)
the only woman you can trust. Family.

if you ever met your wife at a family reunion.

you

You might be a redneck.

Speaker 2 (29:15.374)
It was so heartfelt until that moment. Well, you insinuated I fucked my cousin. plus none of my cousins wanted to fuck me. was a fat. So you were.

I can't say the R word. can't say the R word. You were a cousin R word. cousin rape.

Reptilian?

Cut it.

I'll cut it. I'll cut it. I'll cut it. Jesus. Keller, talking about gathering with family and everything. mean, you you did move all the way to North Carolina. We'll cut that out. What's what's different now that you're away from Jacksonville and your usual Thanksgiving peoples?

Speaker 2 (29:50.286)
You're

Speaker 2 (30:02.962)
well, we, used to have friends giving also. So sometimes we wouldn't even do Thanksgiving. We would just do friends giving and have all the friends come over and have like Thanksgiving dinner, hang out, drink party a little bit. Sign your sign our table cloth. Yeah.

It's a good time. I've been there.

We used to have a speaking of friends, we used to have an annual ping pong tournament. Yeah, it was fun, man.

Fucking would, would.

Speaker 2 (30:36.162)
Why is-

That does sound fun.

I mean, my buddy had my buddy was a photographer, so he used his photography lighting in his garage. And we I mean, it would be stadium style, you know, we'd have the lights shining down on the table. And yeah, it was all there. yeah. yeah. Round Robin tournament. And we were for real, babe. We had we had a good.

Fresh.

Speaker 2 (31:01.363)
It's probably like a very low climatic Disney sports movie.

Yes.

Speaker 3 (31:10.402)
Definitely was.

The mighty pucks. The mighty schmucks.

Air Bud.

Speaker 3 (31:20.504)
Disney movie? don't think it was.

It has the energy of a Disney movie. does. Fucking low budget ass Disney channel.

It's a

like Homeward Bound.

Walt Disney would be so fucking pissed.

Speaker 2 (31:34.552)
Woody?

Mm-hmm. He saw Disney nowadays, price gouging families and shit.

Yeah, we can ask him.

He supported the Nazis, right? I don't.

You wouldn't know that, you? You know your Nazi history,

Speaker 2 (31:50.798)
Yeah, I learned it from you.

Good try. Good try.

He was a supporter though.

He was a sympathizer? Really? Yeah.

Yeah.

Speaker 1 (32:02.466)
You

Henry Ford.

That I knew.

him and quite a bit of other people.

Happy Thanksgiving everybody.

Speaker 2 (32:17.55)
Remember be kind to everyone eat your fucking food be happy and Just as in the bushes

Wait 24 hours. Yeah, that one.

Guys just won't let it go.

Speaker 2 (32:43.904)
What let go?

Let what go? No, no, not at all.

Right?

Speaker 2 (32:50.978)
What the fuck was that? What let go?

Goddamn, Elsa.

Well everybody, happy Thanksgiving, happy Black Friday, enjoy Cyber Monday, spend them dollars. take us all now, my friend.

you

Speaker 1 (33:10.99)
this holiday season, remember, wait 24 hours after eating a big meal before you eat her ass. Peace, motherfuckers.

Do another one, please. Put that in there.

Happy Thanksgiving! Peace motherfuckers!

Speaker 2 (33:28.556)
you

Speaker 3 (33:32.992)
Holy ma-

Speaker 1 (33:38.254)
you

you

Speaker 3 (33:55.022)
Still Bread podcast is Daniel Keller, Jeremy Pope and Michael Kaliznik recorded live at SMG Studios, Division of SMG Communications. Executive producers Michael Kaliznik and Tony Skipperson Clark.